Have you ever heard the song “Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay” by Otis Redding? If not, I have two things to say to you: 1) You’re a disgrace. Shame on you for not knowing it. 2) Listen to it now. Then you’re allowed to read the rest of the blog.

Here’s a link. http://youtu.be/8nA18g_PwG0

(**Sara Bareilles does a cover of this song that is absolutely wonderful. Listen to it too.)

Now, on with the story. 

It’s summer, thank Jesus, and we whores have went our separate ways. After a month of not seeing each other, we decided a reunion was long overdue. So, Gabby Spencer comes to the wonderful London, Ky to visit the rest of the whorepack. We all went to eat at our favorite restraunt, Fiesta Mexicana. While we were there, we decided that to celebrate the return of the whores, we would spend the rest of the day at the lake on Kailyn’s boat laying out, listening to music, and just enjoy each other’s company.

Okay, let me just clarify something. I don’t do lakes. I don’t do rivers. I really don’t do the ocean. I’ve seen the movie JAWS and I’m slightly obsessed with the television show River Monsters. Haven’t seen it? Shame on you. Jeremy Wade is a G. 

Anyways, I don’t do well swimming in large bodies of water where there are live animals. I tend to stay away from places where there can be flesh eating piranhas, sting rays, and any other kind of swimming animal. I like chlorine, heated water, and bug skimmers. But, being it was 95 degrees outside and absolutely beautiful, I figured why not go? I mean, what else is there to do in London? Oh, that’s right. NOTHING. 

So to the lake we go. Windows down, music blaring, and sunglasses on. It was going to be a good day for sure. When we got there we had to park at the end of the earth, then walk to the boat. Literally 15 minutes later, we got to the boat. We all walked on and set our things down. First things first, take the cover off. 

Normally, taking the cover off wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but you have to consider who you’re working with here. For a few minutes we all just sort of stood there looking dumbfounded at the cover. There were 7,000 zippers, 3948777398 snaps, 45 velcro straps, and several large metal bars. We were clueless. Being as it was Kailyn’s boat we said “alright Kai, how do we do this?” in which she responded, “I have no idea.” 

Should have been a red flag of things to come… 

Terra, being the genius that she is figures out how to begin taking the cover off. 45 minutes later, we finally get all the pieces of the cover unhooked and unzipped, and begin stuffing them into the compartments of the seats. Kailyn then says “Okay, now I have to figure out how to turn this thing on.”

She sits down at the steering wheel and stares. Then she says “I have no idea how to do this. Where’s my phone?” She calls her brother and he proceeds to tell her how to start the boat. She hangs up the phone and tries to start the boat. Nothing. She tries again. Nothing. Okay, third times the charm, right? Nope. Still Nothing. 

Let’s call Cole (Kai’s brother) again. He tells us the same thing, and we try again….. Nothing. So, at this point in our story, the neighbors from the boat next to us see all 5 of us damsels in distress and come over to see if they might be of help. Three different men came over, and all three of them had the same results. The stupid boat wouldn’t start.

Logically, we probably should have just given up at this point. It was obvious that the boat gods were upset with we whores, and we should have quit while we were ahead.

Like I said, that was the logical thing to do. Recall my previous blogs… have you ever known the Whores of Whorth Hall to be logical?

After the neighbors had given up, Kailyn called her sister to see if she might be of some help. Kailyn’s sister told us to “just push the boat out into the water, then try to start the boat.”

I’m no boat expert, but when Kailyn told us that this was our new plan, there was a voice in the back of my head that just kept saying “BAD IDEA, BAD IDEA, BAD IDEA.” But I went along with it anyways.

We pushed the boat out into the water. Here it is. Cue the dramatic music. Time to start the boat……………………………………………………………………

NOTHING. again.

So at this point, we’re just floating along in the middle of the dock, with about 75 other parked boats. We have no control over this thing, jet skis, and other boats are driving through, Kailyn is screaming, cussing, and ranting over the phone trying to get someone to help her figure out why it’s not starting. And then there’s me, sitting there singing Rihanna’s “S.O.S.” and Modest Mouse’s “Float On.”  I found them appropriate.

So as I’m singing as many songs about boats and water, we’re trying our best to not take the whole dock out. Kailyn, genius that she is, tells Gabby Spencer to grab the paddle and start paddling us back to the boat slip. Now, when I think of a paddle, I’m thinking like a straight up oar. Something long that will actually be able to get us somewhere if we need it to. Kailyn tells Gabby where the paddle is and Gabby gets it. I immediately started laughing. 

Okay, so she didn’t actually pull out a ping pong paddle to use to save us from taking everyone out. But it was only a few inches bigger than a ping pong paddle. Regardless, my point is that it wasn’t going to get us anywhere. 

So Gabby sat down on the edge of the boat, stuck her ping pong paddle in the water, and tried to get us moving. After about three minutes the boat really started to go somewhere. Shocked, we were all telling Gabby what a good job she was doing because we were finally moving. Only then we noticed two men with extremely long poles hooked onto the boat pulling us back to the dock. A LOT of good that paddle did us… 

The nice, intelligent men pulled us back into a boat slip. Two boat slips down from where we started. Being as we couldn’t go anywhere, we sat there. And we sat there. And we sat there. And we still sat there. 

Two hours later, Terra’s brother-in-law received all our S.O.S. phone calls, emergency flares, and sailed his boat all the way across the lake and found us at the dock. He hooked the boat we were on to his, and moved us a total of 50 ft back to our original boat slip. 

We got the cover back on the boat, locked up, and never looked back. Since we wasted the entire day and never got to really enjoy the water, Terra offered to let us come back to her house and swim. 

Simple plans never really work out for these whores, but as Modest Mouse says, “we’ll all float on alright.”

Like I’ve mentioned before, in Williamsburg there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do. Nothing. So for fun, alot of people like to drive down to Knoxville and go dancing. 

This year, Halloween fell on a Sunday. Out of all the whores, I was the only one who had something important going on. It was a rare occasion. I had a huge biodiversity test the next day and I had to study for it all night long. I hate plants. 

Around 10 o’clock, I was sitting in the quiet study in my dorm, when suddenly I had an epiphany. Why should everyone else not go down to Knoxville because I had to study all night? After all, it was Halloween…. 

So I call Gabrielle and told her to come upstairs so we can decide what the plans are. She, Kailyn, and Terra were down to party, but felt bad because Gabriella didn’t want to go. In case you haven’t noticed, we like to travel in a whorepack. No one likes to be the lone whore…. 

After arguing with Gabriella about going or not going, Kailyn, Gabrielle, Terra, and our friend Eric decided they were just going to go. We’re only young once, right? Time to be spontaneous for a change. 

So they storm out of the dorm room, grabbed all their clothes, makeup, hair products, etc. and ran to mine and Kailyn’s room. Before I could even blink, hairspray was spraying, glitter was flying, and clothes were being thrown everywhere. Ke$ha would have been so proud…. 

I helped get costumes on, apply makeup, and tease hair as fast as I could. Twenty minutes later, I told them to call me or text me when they got there or to call if they needed anything, then sent my children out the door like a proud mama sending her baby to the senior prom. 

On the way down there Phillip (our chauffeur) found out they were going and decided to just head down there separately. About an hour after they had left, I called them to see where they were. Gabrielle answered the phone and proceeded to tell me that Bar Knox was dead and they decided to go to Cotton Eyed Joe’s instead. I pull up the address for Cotton Eyed Joe’s and give it to them so they can type it into the Garmin and get directions. 

Twenty minutes later I call Phillip to see if he’s caught up with them yet. He answers the phone and screams, “MIRANDA, I AM LOST IN A SEA OF CONES!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M AT.”

At this point, I get a little bit worried, but I calm down and try to do my best impersonation of Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds since I was the one stuck in the mother-ship of Whorth Hall. 

“Phillip, give me like a street name so I can put into Google maps and try to get you directions.” 

“Miranda, I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M AT!!! THERE ARE CONES EVERYWHERE!!!! OH, THANK GOD!!! A GAS STATION!! Let me call you back…” 

Being on the phone with Phillip made me a nervous wreck, so I called Gabrielle to check on them. 

“Hey, did you guys make it?”

“Miranda, we are lost. Garmin took us to the middle of this residential area, and now there are cones EVERYWHERE.” (in the background, Kailyn and Eric were screaming and chanting “WE ARE LOST! WE ARE LOST! WE ARE LOST!”) 

“Ok, look for a gas station. Phillip is lost in the sea of cones too. He found a gas station and stopped there to get directions.” 

“I THINK I SEE HIM! OK! BYE!” 

After getting directions from the gas station man, the whores, plus Phillip and Eric arrive at Cotton Eyed Joe’s. Finally. 

They begin dancing, when Gabrielle decides she is having a heat stroke. Being Halloween and all, Gabrielle was dressed up as a Ring Master. She had the complete outfit, hat, leggings, and high heel boots. Of all the layers she had on, the leggings were the one item that she felt taking off would cool her down some. Gabrielle takes Kailyn with her to the bathroom (like I said, we travel in packs) and Gabrielle takes her leggings off, but doesn’t know what to do with them. Kailyn, being the mastermind that she is says “I know what to do, come on!” 

They walk outside of the bathroom, Kailyn turns to Gabrielle and says, “Ok, now when we get out into the crowd, just drop ‘em. Nobody will ever know.” 

So they walk out onto the dance floor, Kailyn says, “NOW!” and Gabrielle drops the leggings and continues prancing around like nothing had happened. 

Wait, did that just happen? Did little miss perfect Gabrielle just lose her pants and then throw them on the ground? 

Yeah, she did. I’m sure someone in this world is appreciating the nice leggings found on the dance floor of Cotton Eyed Joe’s. 

A few hours later, the whores, Phillip, and Eric all returned home to me safely. With the exception of Gabrielle, all were fully clothed. Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.

October 21st 2010 was a night to remember for these whores. Lets start from the beginning…. 

Over the summer this past year, Gabrielle, Gabriella, and I found out that on October 21st, B.o.B. and Jason Derulo were going to be performing at UK. We had to go. As it got closer to time to purchase tickets, one of my good friends who is a student at UK asked if I would like him to get us some tickets for the concert. And like the great guy that he is, he came through with his promise. 

5 tickets. 

We were all extremely excited about this concert. It’s very rare, let me repeat, VERY RARE, that we actually get a chance to do something fun while we’re at school. 

Of course since we had plans to go to this thing, our organic chemistry professor decides to spring a quiz on us the day after the concert. Excellent. 

If you’ll recall the first blog I ever wrote, I told you how much Gabrielle and Gabriella value their education. So the week of the concert it was such an internal struggle for these whores to decide. To go, or not to go? That was the question….

I on the other hand am the complete opposite. Even though I was taking organic chemistry too, I could have cared less about that quiz. (I hate organic chemistry with every fiber in my being.) I was all about having some fun for a change. 

The night before the concert, Kailyn got deathly ill and had to go home for the night. We were worried sick about her because we didn’t want her to miss out. The next day, she came back and was feeling much better, but last minute she decided to not go.

Gabrielle and Gabriella decided to have some fun for once in their life, and go to the concert. Of course they had to bring along their notes and printed off slides from the lectures over the quiz material. Shocker, right?

We hit the interstate (running behind schedule of course) and went to Richmond. We stopped at Olive Garden to eat. Needless to say it was the fastest meal we’ve ever eaten in our lives. Once finished, we ran back to the car and hit the interstate again. We had 30 minutes to make it to Memorial Coliseum. 

No worries, thanks to my amazing driving skills we made it in record time. 

We finally arrive, and we find a parking garage just down the street from Memorial Coliseum. We park, hop out of the car, and take off to the concert. Organic chemistry can suck it. 

We get inside and find our seats. I sit down and look to my right. There was an 8 year old girl sitting next to me. What? I had to look again to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. 

What mother brings their 8 year old daughter to a rap concert?! 

The opening act comes out to perform. His name was Playboy Trey. Playboy Trey was a character to say the least. He loved to use the F word repeatedly, and performed his own version of LMFAO’s “Shots.” 

Of course being in an arena full of college kids, everyone’s standing up screaming “SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!” and I’m sure the majority of the people in that building had taken a few before arriving…. 

As I’m standing there singing the catchy song like everyone else in the building, I look next to me and the little girl is fist pumping and screaming “SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!” Really little girl? The only shots you should  know about at your age are the ones the nurse at the doctor office gives you  when you’re sick. All the while, Playboy Trey is on stage taking several shots of vodka. 

Again, I ask myself the question, WHAT MOTHER BRINGS THEIR EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO A RAP CONCERT?!

 This is what’s wrong with America today my dear friends. Parents in this society are complete imbeciles. 

Playboy Trey finishes his remaining shots and stumbles off the stage cursing. In between the sets, music was being played. The mother  grabs her purse and takes her daughter down the stairs. “Okay, maybe this mother has some sense,” I think to myself. “Maybe she’s realized this was a bad idea to bring her here.”

WRONG. 

The mother and the prodigal daughter return a few minutes later, only this time carrying several 15 inch glowsticks. Awesome. 

Once the little girl gets situated back into her seat, Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The USA” starts playing. The little girl screams “HANNAH MONTANA!!!!” right in my ear. She then  proceeds to “put her hands up, they’re playing her song..”, and begins whacking me in the face with the glowsticks her mother just purchased. 

She was lucky she was eight years old. Otherwise, Hannah Montana’s #1 fan would have gotten a punch to the mandible. 

Even though I was beaten up, battered, and bruised by the end of the concert (If you thought Party In The USA was bad, you should have seen her during Riding Solo), I and the rest of the whores had a great time. Jason Derulo is an amazing performer, and B.o.B. was absolutely incredible. 

After the concert, we headed back to the parking garage. We get there only to find a ticket on the windshield, a boot on the tire, and 40 other people stranded there in the same situation. 

Can this night get any better?! 

I call my parents and tell them what happened and then call the number on the ticket. They tell me it’ll take $75 to get the boot off my car, and that I’ll have to wait behind all the other people that were there. Wait, what? WE HAVE AN ORGANIC CHEMISTRY QUIZ IN NINE HOURS!!!! WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. 

There was a white van parked in the garage with a multitude of people lined up at the driver window. Seeing that it was going to be a while before the man can even take our money, we decide to stand next to the car and study for organic chemistry. It was a good thing that they brought those slides… 

As we’re waiting/studying,  we noticed two girls crying hysterically on the phone. Come to find out, they were on the phone with the police because there was a homeless man asleep on their porch, blocking the door to their apartment, which was located across the parking garage. 

Is this sounding familiar to any of you? Four 19 year old girls stranded in a parking garage 80 miles away from home at 1 a.m. while there’s a homeless man lurking about. It was like we were in an episode of Law & Order:SVU, except for this was real life people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not meaning that in a derogatory way. I completely understand that there are certain circumstances that are unable to be helped, but if you haven’t figured out from my previous blogs, “PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.” 

So we sat and we sat just waiting for the extremely large man in the white van to drive over to our car, take our $75, and take his precious little key and unlock the friggin boot off my car. The man was so lazy, that he couldn’t walk to each car to unlock the boot. He drove to each parking spot individually, regardless if they were right next to each other. Who does that?! Just like who takes an eight year old to a rap concert?! But thats besides the point…. It was taking him an eternity.

19 cars and an hour and a half later, Fat Albert finally rolls around and takes the boot off my car. I’ve never been more angry in my life. 

We made it back to Williamsburg safely and took our organic chemistry quiz on four hours of sleep. And might I add we all did very well on it too. Maybe a little fun was all we needed…. 

Looking back on the situation, it’s hysterically funny. I’ve never laughed, cried, and cursed so much in one night’s setting before. However, we whores did learn a couple of things that night:  

1) DON’T EVER TAKE YOUR KIDS TO A RAP CONCERT. 

2) DON’T PARK ANYWHERE UNLESS YOU PAY AND GET SOME SORT OF EVIDENCE THAT YOU DID PAY.  

We definitely learned those lessons the hard way.

After the whole drug deal went down, we whores were not comfortable with driving ourselves around. Luckily, the Whores of Whorth Hall are priveleged enough to have our own chaueffer service.

Meet Phillip. Phillip likes to drive us around while he smokes, giving us an oppurtunity to rant, vent, cuss, yell, sing, and dance. (We have another driver, but he doesn’t live in Williamsburg. You’ll meet him later…)

On this particular night, we were all dying of thirst and starvation. So, in order to prevent this mass dehydration and starvation, Phillip pulls into the drive thru at McDonalds. We order our drinks and cookie tote and wait in line. Kailyn and Phillip begin to dance to Ke$ha’s song Your Love Is My Drug. We were all too consumed in the ridiculous dance off to notice that coming around the drive thru was a speeding, old, beat up green car.

Tires began to screech loudly as the green car almost hit the awesome white Bronco in front of us. Next thing we know, two women hop out of the cars and start screaming about “BABIES BEING ON BOARD!!!” while Gabrielle is hanging out the back window screaming and fist pumping ”JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!!” Sometimes, you can’t contain that girl…

Anyways…

The green car then decided to pull into a parking spot, and the white bronco did the same. A woman and a man got out of the green car, and two women got out of the white bronco and began to yell at each other in the parking lot. Once the screaming was over, both parties of the altercation went inside of McDonalds. Keep in mind, that the green car had a baby inside. 

So we’re all sitting in Jill the Mom Mobile (Phillip’s Envoy) completely blown away at what had just happened. At this time, a shirtless man gets out of the parked green car and walks to the trunk. He opens the trunk and acts like he’s fixing the taillight. 

Here come the cops…. 

Two police cars whip into the parking lot with their lights flashing, and the shirtless man hits the ground. He then begins to crawl  like a large gorilla towards the front of the car, trying extremely hard to not be seen by the cops. Once the cops get out of their car they begin to talk to the screaming women and man. The shirtless man then starts running to the side door of the McDonalds, runs through the restaurant, and out the other side door into the night. 

What? Did that really just happen? 

Yeah. It did. The police were completely oblivious to this NAKED MAN sprinting like a cheetah through Williamsburg. 

After going through the drive thru three times and listening to the conversations with the windows down, we got all the gossip we could, and decided to take matters into our own hands. We pulled a Dog the Bounty Hunter and drove all through Williamsburg looking for the naked man. It’s not like the police were going to do anything. All two of them were searching through the cars in the parking lot, and trying to calm down crazy women. 

Unfortunately, we were not successful. Like the drug dealer, we still don’t know if the naked man ever got caught. But we’re ALWAYS on the lookout for him…

In Williamsburg, there’s not much to do. For those of you who don’t know, Williamsburg is a small town about the size of the period at the end of this sentence. Actually, even that may be too big. With the exception of Walmart and the Pilot Truckstop, the town shuts down completely at 10 o’clock. You have to get your Fourth Meal at Taco Bell sometime before then unless you want to starve to death. So being the fun loving whores that we are, what do we do for fun???? (Stop thinking what you’re thinking. I told you we aren’t like that. Jerks.)

We drive around aimlessly. 

So we all pile in Black Beauty, ready for a night on the town. (Cue Jason Aldean’s song Country). 

Meet Black Beauty. She’s Kailyn’s huge truck that only gives her huge problems. Black Beauty has enough stories to have her own blog. But that’s besides the point… 

As soon as we get in the truck and get going, the stupid slut starts screaming about “LOW TIRE PRESSURE.” So what’s the logical thing to do? Yeah, that’s right. We go to a gas station…. 

Kailyn parks Black Beauty and hops out only to realize she has no idea what she’s doing. So here comes Terra and Gabrielle to the rescue!! Out of all the whores, Terra has the most common sense. She can roof a house, change the oil in her car, and do chemistry problems all at the same time. Gabrielle is the definition of an independent woman. She can do everything by herself, and laughs in the face of the person who thinks she can’t. Together, they make a great team. 

While all three stand there dumbfounded at the low tire, a man sees their deer in the headlights look on their faces and offers his assistance. He walks over and gives them an air tire pressure gauge thing (whatever, like I care what it’s called) and tells them they can have it. It was very thoughtful. 

The three finally get it figured out, and Terra hops back in the truck as Kailyn and Gabrielle were finishing up. Out of the corner of the mirror, I (Miranda) can see a man walking towards Gabrielle and Kailyn. He gets extremely close to them and starts to whisper in their ears…. 

At this point, Gabrielle’s eyes are as big as golfballs. She has a horrified expression on her face and Kailyn’s jaws drops. The man finished speaking quickly and Kailyn looks at him, smiles and says “no thank you!” He stepped away, and they both start to run to get in the truck. 

They jump in, start the truck and begin screaming. The conversation went something like this: 

“THAT CRAZY MAN JUST OFFERED US DRUGS!!! HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT PERCOCET, OXYCONTIN, 3600 AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE!!! I WAS JUST SCARED FOR MY LIFE!!!” 

“You guys, we have to call the police. Terra get the license plate number as we drive by. Gabby, do you remember exactly what he said? Does anyone else remember what he was wearing?” - Miranda

“WE CAN’T CALL THE POLICE. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!” -Kailyn. 

“I am well aware that people are crazy. WE JUST GOT OFFERED DRUGS AT THE GAS STATION!!!!” -Miranda

“MIRANDA, WE CAN NOT CALL THE POLICE. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!! THEY SAW US!!” -Kailyn

“KAILYN, WE HAVE ESTABLISHED THAT PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. WE JUST GOT OFFERED DRUGS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE DO DRUGS?! NO. IT DOESN’T. Pull over at Walmart.”- Miranda

“If we call them, they’re gonna know it was us. They saw my  truck.” -Kailyn

“If we don’t call the police and report them, and something happens, that’s our fault. We can’t not call them…. ‘Yeah, I’d like to report a drug deal….’ ” -Miranda 

     So, like my father would do if he were in this situation, I called the police and reported that crazy man. To this day, we don’t know if he ever got caught. And no, we’ve never had anymore encounters with drug dealers, although, it does help that these whores don’t step near that gas station anymore. We’re just oh so thankful for the D.A.R.E. program teaching Kailyn to say “NO” to drugs. It’s untelling whatkind of story this would be if she hadn’t.  

Williamsburg, KY. Home to the University of the Cumberlands. Population: 3,000. 

So this is where our stories begin; six young girls, all from the Southeastern part of Kentucky. 

First, we meet Kailyn. 

And no, her face doesn’t always look like this. Kailyn is what you would call the “wild” one. No, you jerks, she’s not wild like that. We like to refer to her as Hurricane Kailyn because you never know when and where she’s gonna hit. She’s always coming and going. There’s NEVER a boring moment when she’s around. She dances, she sings, and she’s THE MASTER of the air guitar. “Do, Do, Do, Do, Do……”

Next, The Gabbys

Gabrielle and Gabriella 

Meet Ms. Prim and Ms. Proper. They value school more than they do their own lives. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets in the way of their education. They loathe analytical chemistry and hope that class burns in Hell. But don’t let their cardigan sweaters and pearls fool you. They like to have a good time. Gabrielle will always keep you on your toes, and Gabriella never fails to tell you like it is. Together, they’re unstoppable. 

Next, Terra

Terra is one force not to be reckoned with. She’s sweet as sugar, but if you step on her toes, she won’t think twice about messing you up. And that’s a promise. Like the Gabby’s, Terra values her education. But you can always count on her to want to go out and have a gooooooooood time. 

Next, Amber

Amber is our angel. She does no wrong, and she never will. You can always count on her to be insightful and say nice things. Although she is referred to as a “Whore of Whorth Hall” she is in NO way whatsoever a whore. So don’t even think about it. 

(****Note to the reader: None of the “whores” in this blog are actual whores. In fact, we’re nowhere near it. It’s only a nickname.) 

And finally, there’s me… 

I’m Miranda. The mastermind of this production. Leader of this Whorepack. I could write something about myself, but I’m not going to. You can figure me out on your own. 

So this is us. Six small town girls, going to college and trying to make something of ourselves. We’re just trying to find our place in this world, all while hitting a few bumps and making some mistakes along the way. This is our story….